"What are you up to these days?"

Have you ever built something up in your mind that you can not ever achieve it?

I was so psyched about the time I would get to spend with my friends, and I suppose I imagined it would go differently.

(mind you much was unavoidable, that is not what I am talking about)

I had a complete blast on the first day spending time with V & A's kids and evening with many of our fellow 1991 Grads! 

It was so effortless, genuine and I am thankful for that time.

 

I am so happy I was able to see (and spend time with) A, V, J, K, & P.  I really enjoy all of thier company!

I feel like I have such a different life than many of my friends. 

I feel it is hard for me to relate, engage & contribute sometimes.

For example: 

I do not have kids

I consider myself very successful (I am alive, and I have dedicated my life to helping others).

I dance

I paint

I create

  I really don't care what other people think 

I am not a fake person

I live my life as an adventure.

I try new things

I take pictures

(not for me but for those that come after I am gone)

I know myself, and I don't participate in faking it for pomp and circumstance sake.

I am honest

I am REAL and I live in the NOW.

I feel like this is what many people want to say and don't.

I also have had to deal with a few very large things that many others haven't.

For example:

30 +surgeries, 9 majors, a multiple other procedures

(and everything that entails)

A disease that NO ONE can fix

(and everything that entails)

No children-I can not have them.

(hardest thing ever)

Imminent death if I didn't have a lifesaving surgery.

I have to work, to have insurance, to pay for the drugs, to stay alive.

I suppose I have a much different point of view.

My struggle is with trying to survive, literally.

I could have spent 45 minutes at the reunion, left and enjoyed my evening. 

I felt super guilty that my friend wasn't able to attend, and I couldn't get it out of my mind.

I kind of felt like...what do I say, really?

My truth, is not a glamorous one but I am blessed to still be here. 

The eye of the beholder!

Sunflower field in Yellow Springs, OH

I found this sign on my drive home from my reunion.
Sparrow is my nickname, it was a grace that my detour
was the correct choice for me that day.

I feel like there is so much beauty in the world...it is so taken for granted. 

I have identifed what a few things are that make me truely happy. 

Excited dosen't even begin to cover it!!!

Anna, Vicki, Susan & Jennie

I am off this weekend to celebrate (our) my 20th High School Class Reunion at Archbishop Alter High School. 

It is so exciting to know that my best friends from high school are going to meet me in Dayton to attend this exciting event.

(I am slightly skeptical-but open minded). 

We have been through so many things in our 25+ year friendship. 

I have found that the connection between the four of us varies (as we all have families), but we cherish the time that we get to share with one another.

I am honored that my friends send me photos of their children so that I may share  watching them grow.  I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would not be able to be a mom, but my dearest friends/family really include me in the exciting times.

I swear I have at least 2 pictures of each of these children on my cell phone at any one time

(unless my hubby downloads my iPhone).

I am so blessed that all of us made a commitment to stay connected.  It is a bond that will never be broken.

Thank you for being real friends. 

Your unconditional love and support is a true gift!

129 days, 11 hours, 35 minutes

...away from turning 40 years old!!!!

Wohoo-Yeah me!

I don't think I could be any happier.  I am fine with knwoing that my body can not do what it used to do, I am okay with seeing all of my neices, nephews grow up.  It is hard to watch but I can do it with pride.

I have beaten the odds and come out the victor.

I feel blessed to still be walking, talking, hiking and dancing. 

I find that most people get all depressed by their age, I on the other hand rejoice in it. 

I was given another opportunity to be alive. 

I know from the deepest parts of my heart that I have been living OUT LOUD for the past 7 years.

If you know me well already this comes as no surprise. 

However, if you have just met me you can not know my struggles by how I carry myself.

My goal is to "act" like I am healthy and just fine. 

I find it makes no sense to focus only on the negative and so I will find a way to

spin something positive.

It is kind of funny, actually.

I had a friend of mine recently say to me

"it is cool that you can focus on all of the positive things that happened".

I let go of the bad and can only recall the good. 

It must be all the anaesthesia over all these years!

Walking for the HEART of it!

So, today I walked in my very first Heart walk, and I am happy to say it was an amazing experience. 

I walked with colleagues from work and it was so fun. 

I started my day getting a red baseball cap with a survivor pin on it.  I look goofy in hats, but it was more a symbol for how far I have come since all of my past health troubles.

I could have walked the bases with the other heart/stroke survivors, but I chose to go meet up with Nancy, Beth & Jodi!

We talked and walked the 3 miles, which was not as hard as I predicted it would be. 

Thanks to the ladies in the workout crew at McConnell.

I am proud of myself that I am focused on myself and committed to staying true to what goals I have set for myself.

I have an inner strength, but I would be nothing without my faith. 

Why I do what I do and why I care to do it...

I have had a lot of my friend say super supportive things about my journey to better myself. 
One really hit home for me though. One of my dear friends said "you are my hero". 

I remember saying that to my Uncle Mike and my Aunt Rita for years. Uncle Mike battled his entire life with diabetes, and he lost the battle, but he is one of my heroes. 

My Aunt Rita was similar. She battled with diabetes also and it eventually took her like also. She wanted to stop dialysis 4 years in, as it was so hard. I sent her a letter that said that I would not believe that a Mariotti would quit.
I shared with her that she was my warrior and that I needed her to be strong. She knew that she would never "get better", yet she set her mind to live for 3 more years. After 7 years of dialysis her quality of life was so compromised that she chose to stop.
I still struggled with the fact that she would choose to die, but she felt that if she couldn't do what she used to then that was no life at all.

Everyone may think that I am trying to loose weight for vain reasons (which is the usual reason) and I am not.
I am doing everything that I can do to stay alive, to be present.
I wake up everyday with pain. I try not to complain about it (my Mom always says that no one likes a whiner)..
I smile and I make a concerted effort to improve the lives of everyone I know or come in contact with everyday. 
I pray each day, making sure that God use me as a instrument of his peace.
I try to be the best version of myself I can be.
I want to see my nieces and nephews go to college.
I want to see Emily, Maggie and Jana get married someday.

I am not fortunate enough to "KNOW" that these things will be in my lifetime (INSERT here that people say "Well, no one knows when their time is up.  I could get hit by a truck today).

I am loosing weight so I do not end up diabetic. I am trying so hard because I want to be here on this earth.

So I got a little heavy...

I catch a glimpse every now an again of this person I remember in the mirror. 

It is a very strange but welcomed experience. 

I would describe it as...you thought you saw someone you knew passing you in a window, and you do a double take and it is YOU! 

I can see my dimples again. 

I am pleased to see me looking back.

I went to work at Walt Disney World and a whole new set of eyes helped to show me the beauty that was a part of me.  It may not have always resided on the outside but it was evident in the long intelligent conversations, and only people who were similar to me could see it.

I noticed that as time passed by while working there I lived as myself for the first time in my 23 years on this earth. 

I spent a lot of time being or acting like something/someone I was not in my younger years. 

I knew it was okay to be exactly who I was. 

I wasn't being judged, or teased for having a gap in my teeth, or ridiculed for being fat, red headed, or artistic. 

I saw the premieres a few movies while I worked at WDW and they really resonated with me

(ans still do). 

The Nightmare Before Christmas & The Lion King. 

I found that both films taught me different lessons. 

Nightmare Before Christmas is about being who you are and that when you aren't you can effect others around you in a significant way. 

Lion King encouraged me to remember who you are.

When I was in Orlando, I was myself and I know that my life and the lives of other was enriched by that. 

I was able to just be. 
I walked and lived inside myself for the entire time I was at WDW . 

I had the highest of highs and some of the lowest of lows. 

I know that I am the person I am today because of that amazing experience.

I learned what made me beautiful. 

I found out that it had very little to do with what the outside of me looked like.

I guess that getting thinner allowed me to put aside all of my insecurities long enough to explore who

I really was/am.

I am blessed to still be alive.

I am going to work daily to be grateful for all of the steps I have taken along my life journey.

I think it is wise to look back in order to look forward!

Peace.