129 days, 11 hours, 35 minutes

...away from turning 40 years old!!!!

Wohoo-Yeah me!

I don't think I could be any happier.  I am fine with knwoing that my body can not do what it used to do, I am okay with seeing all of my neices, nephews grow up.  It is hard to watch but I can do it with pride.

I have beaten the odds and come out the victor.

I feel blessed to still be walking, talking, hiking and dancing. 

I find that most people get all depressed by their age, I on the other hand rejoice in it. 

I was given another opportunity to be alive. 

I know from the deepest parts of my heart that I have been living OUT LOUD for the past 7 years.

If you know me well already this comes as no surprise. 

However, if you have just met me you can not know my struggles by how I carry myself.

My goal is to "act" like I am healthy and just fine. 

I find it makes no sense to focus only on the negative and so I will find a way to

spin something positive.

It is kind of funny, actually.

I had a friend of mine recently say to me

"it is cool that you can focus on all of the positive things that happened".

I let go of the bad and can only recall the good. 

It must be all the anaesthesia over all these years!

Walking for the HEART of it!

So, today I walked in my very first Heart walk, and I am happy to say it was an amazing experience. 

I walked with colleagues from work and it was so fun. 

I started my day getting a red baseball cap with a survivor pin on it.  I look goofy in hats, but it was more a symbol for how far I have come since all of my past health troubles.

I could have walked the bases with the other heart/stroke survivors, but I chose to go meet up with Nancy, Beth & Jodi!

We talked and walked the 3 miles, which was not as hard as I predicted it would be. 

Thanks to the ladies in the workout crew at McConnell.

I am proud of myself that I am focused on myself and committed to staying true to what goals I have set for myself.

I have an inner strength, but I would be nothing without my faith. 

Why I do what I do and why I care to do it...

I have had a lot of my friend say super supportive things about my journey to better myself. 
One really hit home for me though. One of my dear friends said "you are my hero". 

I remember saying that to my Uncle Mike and my Aunt Rita for years. Uncle Mike battled his entire life with diabetes, and he lost the battle, but he is one of my heroes. 

My Aunt Rita was similar. She battled with diabetes also and it eventually took her like also. She wanted to stop dialysis 4 years in, as it was so hard. I sent her a letter that said that I would not believe that a Mariotti would quit.
I shared with her that she was my warrior and that I needed her to be strong. She knew that she would never "get better", yet she set her mind to live for 3 more years. After 7 years of dialysis her quality of life was so compromised that she chose to stop.
I still struggled with the fact that she would choose to die, but she felt that if she couldn't do what she used to then that was no life at all.

Everyone may think that I am trying to loose weight for vain reasons (which is the usual reason) and I am not.
I am doing everything that I can do to stay alive, to be present.
I wake up everyday with pain. I try not to complain about it (my Mom always says that no one likes a whiner)..
I smile and I make a concerted effort to improve the lives of everyone I know or come in contact with everyday. 
I pray each day, making sure that God use me as a instrument of his peace.
I try to be the best version of myself I can be.
I want to see my nieces and nephews go to college.
I want to see Emily, Maggie and Jana get married someday.

I am not fortunate enough to "KNOW" that these things will be in my lifetime (INSERT here that people say "Well, no one knows when their time is up.  I could get hit by a truck today).

I am loosing weight so I do not end up diabetic. I am trying so hard because I want to be here on this earth.

So I got a little heavy...

I catch a glimpse every now an again of this person I remember in the mirror. 

It is a very strange but welcomed experience. 

I would describe it as...you thought you saw someone you knew passing you in a window, and you do a double take and it is YOU! 

I can see my dimples again. 

I am pleased to see me looking back.

I went to work at Walt Disney World and a whole new set of eyes helped to show me the beauty that was a part of me.  It may not have always resided on the outside but it was evident in the long intelligent conversations, and only people who were similar to me could see it.

I noticed that as time passed by while working there I lived as myself for the first time in my 23 years on this earth. 

I spent a lot of time being or acting like something/someone I was not in my younger years. 

I knew it was okay to be exactly who I was. 

I wasn't being judged, or teased for having a gap in my teeth, or ridiculed for being fat, red headed, or artistic. 

I saw the premieres a few movies while I worked at WDW and they really resonated with me

(ans still do). 

The Nightmare Before Christmas & The Lion King. 

I found that both films taught me different lessons. 

Nightmare Before Christmas is about being who you are and that when you aren't you can effect others around you in a significant way. 

Lion King encouraged me to remember who you are.

When I was in Orlando, I was myself and I know that my life and the lives of other was enriched by that. 

I was able to just be. 
I walked and lived inside myself for the entire time I was at WDW . 

I had the highest of highs and some of the lowest of lows. 

I know that I am the person I am today because of that amazing experience.

I learned what made me beautiful. 

I found out that it had very little to do with what the outside of me looked like.

I guess that getting thinner allowed me to put aside all of my insecurities long enough to explore who

I really was/am.

I am blessed to still be alive.

I am going to work daily to be grateful for all of the steps I have taken along my life journey.

I think it is wise to look back in order to look forward!

Peace.

Magician you say?

I feel a little bit like a magician. 

 Just two days ago I decided that it was time to purge the old clothes to make way for the new.  I am feeling a little bit like a snake shedding it's skin.  It is a tough transition to go from fat girl to a skinnier girl.  Particularly when you are accustomed to being the fat girl.  Now, understand I say fat girl with the utmost respect. 

I have rocked this fat girl thing for years. 

I am by no means a skinny chic, but I aspire to be a recovered fat chic.

My style has always been a little edgy, not conservative. 

I enjoy expressing myself through my clothes. 

What I found when going through the closet is that I buy my clothes too big.

I believe this is a symptom of the fat girl disease.  I can be thinner and I still believe that I wear a 3X.  I don't but my perception of myself is still slightly off. 

I have found that this entire life journey has show me that I have to own what I have done to  my body.  See, I can stand by and use the "well, I have been so sick" excuse until I end up diabetic. 

BUT

I am choosing NOT to do that. 

It is the hardest thing in the world to take responsibility for your body, mind and soul. 

It is a long long journey, but I hope that I can keep growing.

I want to live. 

I mean that in the simplest of terms, with the most convenient definitions. 

I want to live. 

So, I took a snapshot of "my proverbial closet", and my literal one.

I tried on all of the clothes that I have worn for so long. 

I looked in the mirror to see if I want to keep them (if they fit) or if it was time to sell them.

I felt so empowered doing this exercise. 

I was able to see tangible results. 

I was able to see that I have been doing the right things for myself.

In my mind I was doing these things, but they weren't REAL to me. 

I had to see what I saw in that mirror to allow myself to rejoice in my progress.

Why is that?

It is because I have enlisted over all for these years such negative self talk.

 I would degraded myself, allow the defeatist to win over my mind.

I said on 7/11/11 that my life was new on that day, and on 8/23/11 I was able to prove that I am worth all of this.

I suggest you do some magic of your own. 

It might be exactly what the Dr. ordered.

I am refreshed.

Jinkies is a birthday!

I have not been to a pool party since I was a child (that I can recall).

The event started with W whistling to me saying "Over here, Aunt Sus!"

I arrived to the room and it was filled with SCOOBY DOO & so much excitement.

The energy was palpable!

I was so excited to be there for my little man WPW!

Check this out!

Big D (W's Daddy) made a killer cake! ZOINKS!

WPW swarmed by the ladies...typical.

I have to say that this is my favorite photo of the birthday boy!

I was so happy to watch W with his friends and family enjoying himself so much.  It is said that children typically have their first "memories" at about ages 6-7 years old.  I believe this one will stay in W's mind for a very longtime. 

I love him so much and I love to watch him grow.  He is such a smart boy, and I look forward to seeing his life unfold.

Ryan-the danger seeker.  Appropriately there is a CAUTION tape in the corner of this photo!

Preparing to be a line backer in high school.  How soon do they let them play football?

 Ryan also had a blast at his big brother's party.  He loves to play in the water, and if the baby slide had been open I am quite sure he would have partaken.  He is a very adventurous child.



I am the luckiest Aunt in the world!

L Family shoot!

It was such an amazing day hanging out with my girls.  We are all peas in a pod, and I love being with them.  It is so easy to be myself with them, they see me for who I really am. I know that they love me unconditionally.  When they are around we laugh, smile, joke and are so silly.

Arent' they beautiful young ladies?  I certainly think that they are amazing both inside and out!
I am blessed to be thier Aunt and I love them with everything I am.

FUN!

Thirty-one Party

I had the most pleasant thirty-one party tonight! I started out by saying I was going to do a book party. Since, I dispise the pressure people feel that they have to buy something.  I wanted to get a few things and thought it would be a good way to get birthday and Christmas gifts that were personalized. 

Although the party was small (4 of us) it was possibly the most fun I have had in a longtime.  I had few but very important women come over and it was a special and fun time. 

I also want to thank our consultant and my friend Kelly R.  She told me over and over that I should sell thirty one because I love it.  She is right, I do love it and I would likely be an awesome sales person.  I just want to focus my energy on my current task.

All of those who were here lastnight, my word for each of you is as follows.

L-you are and have always will be "true"

H-you are and have always will be "trusted"

T-you are and always will be "blessed"

K- you are and always will be "respectful"

Thanks for being in my life I am enriched just by knowing each of you!

Innis "magic" Woods with the J Family

I had such a great time taking photos of the J Family.  I will always remember how sweet, awesome and cooperative the J kids were tonight.  It was so fun because K started off wanted her photo taken so much that she would pop into shots left and right.
M & M were so amazing as well.  Each of the girls got chances to get pics alone, pics with Mom and Dad, and pics with their sister(s).

I feel blessed to be able to do this for them...

It is so neat to see how these beautfiul girls got parts of both of their parents in them, amazing eyes, gorgeous smiles, and such sweet sense of humor.
What a gift!!
Thanks again for allowing me to share that magical time this evening.  I know we are all pooped, but the payoff is HUGE!

J Family



Be careful what you wish for...

I have always wanted to get thinner so that I could be healthier.  I am excited that I am doing that...but I guess I never thought that I would struggle with my pants falling down.
I guess it is time to have a full closet review.  Who is up to hanging around sometime and helping me
turn my closet?  I am still not honest with myself about "what size I am".
I am and have always been a recovering fat girl.  (only a recovering fat girl can use that term.)

I continue to watch "The Devil Wears Prada", and I drool over the clothes.  Why can't we all walk into a fashion prep room and start grabbing Dolce, Chanel, Givenchy, etc.

All good things come to those who wait, right?

3 sizes already?

I went out shopping when I hit the reboot button...on my life.  I bought a pair of pants that was much smaller than the ones I was wearing.  I am happy to say that I was able to wear them today.

I am excited to continue to see my progress.  I am certain this is only the beginning!
LIFE IS GOOD!

Now, I am off to paint.

Old photos hold new meaning...

I guess I never really thought of it much, but as I have gotten older I tend to go back to my personal history to understand myself better.  I do not think that I have really changed all that much.  Accept maybe for the almost dying multiple times and the 30+ surgeries.  I feel like the same artistic dreamer I have always been.
I remember all the fun I had in college and working at Walt Disney World all those years ago.  Lately, it seems that the things from my past keep creapin' into my present.

I remember being in Orlando for one of the shuttle launches.  Just the other day they sent off the last shuttle and I felt a wave of history rush back.  I guess it is normal to hit a (midlife) moment of nostalgia.  I am certain that all of the amazing life experiences I have had made me the woman I am today.
I am thankful for all of those things.  It just seems that I miss the carefree, live to the limit lifestyle.  I want to go travel see new things, be adventurous.

I know that another chapter of my life is beginning, but I think that my previous chapters were vital to my character development.

I am just sayin'
Peace.

Well my intentions were good...

I was so excited to go dancing tonight. I called my friends and was ready to take a nap (2 hour) then wake up and go out to the dance. 

You know your almost 40 when???  You and your hubby lay down for a "nap" and you wake up at 12:47 a.m.  You realize that you slept through your alarms, and now are basically DONE for the evening. 
In our go getter mode we got up and watched a TV show, took medicine and called it a night (well morning really).

I guess I am not as young as I used to be!